purple rain...you've washed my pain away

replacement...

2007-03-25T07:20:00.000-07:00

I may not be replaced and you certainely aren't.
I wonder why you think that, maybe the same reason I do.
Being so far apart, it feels like even pigeons get more of your life than I do.
I'm jealous of the wind blowing softly on your face instead of me.
But you know something, I'm not going to write some heart-broken tear stained words.
I'm just going to get up, get in the car blast the music and go for a drive.
Over and out...

Not me...

2007-03-24T06:46:00.000-07:00

This isn't me feeling the way I feel...
Jealousy has never been a part of my life.
Now it's curling up in my heart, slowly eating at it.
How is it that they get to have each other??

But you know what I'm not jealous.
I'm happy.
I hope you stay in love forever.
Keep each other safe.
Please keep him safe and keep him happy.
Never let the smile be wiped of his face.
Sing to him and hold him tight.
Fight for him with all your might.
I failed, please don't do the same.
I won't say I didn't deserve him, because I did.
But things happen.
You're a woman and you know him well.
Read between the lines and tell him that I won't break my promises.
That he WILL always be in my heart forever.
That names of daughters are in place and plans for greatness are on the way.
You wrote something that had so many single words in it.
Each and every one of them was part of us, and giggled over.

Ok that was me...

killer whales

2007-03-10T14:39:00.000-08:00

I thought about this big dramatic post yesterday before bed, happy I had something to say...then something happened...I fell asleep
Go figure
While I was sleeping, I had a terrible experience, a lucid dream...
I was on vacation with my family and we're swimming in this beautiful blue water...
Me mom and dad dive underwater, and there's this black thing, I reach for it and it just shoots away from us, it was a killer whale...
I was so scared, I just sank to the bottom an laid there, thinking my dad will save me...
I just laid there with my arms out and waiting, no one came for me...I wanted to die...
All I could think is "If no comes for me, I'll lay here and die"
I woke up with the worst asthma attack I've had in months...
I really couldn't breethe,m it was awful...
I thought I was going to suffocate...nothing new really...

not fair

2007-02-22T07:12:00.000-08:00

It's been forever since I've been here...
I didn't think that it was fair that I got to see what you're feeling and I get to sit in the shadows...
I am in the shadows and shadows are in me.
I feel something and everything and nothing at all.
How is this defeat fair???
It isn't
I got to the point where I was so week...
I had hit the bottom and I couldn't get up, I didn't want to.
Getting up made no sense...
The world hit me too hard and I hit back even harder..
I guess I hit so hard I broke my fist...
I'm so sorry baby...
I'm so sorry you're hurting
I'm so sorry I hurt you...
What I wouldn't do to hear you're voice, taste your tears
make you smile and swallow your fears...
I hope you can forgive me for what I am and what I've done..
I hope you don't regret out sweet precious moments together...
i hope you'll always let me keep you safe in my dreams...
I want you to know I'll love you forever
I want you to believe how much you mean to me...
I promise to keep my promises...
I promise to love you forever...and just give love to all...
I promise to smile...
I promise to worl hard and make sure I do some great building and make sure you get the first invintation...
I promise to have little Xeina, maybe she can play with your baby girl...your Xeina...our dream of Xeina...
Please forgive me...I can't stop loving you...never ever will...
Goodbye...

figure it out

2006-06-05T12:29:00.000-07:00

i was reading a thingie and i came across this thingy
http://www.mzagyat.com/mzagyat/abrag/
will some one please figure it out
i think i'm onto something but i haven't quite got it yet

come what may

2006-06-03T04:06:00.000-07:00

This is one of those songs I told you about...
The ones I like and save for later, because I have a feeling iI'll be needing it...

never knew i could feel like
thislike i've never seen the sky before
want to vanish inside your kiss
everyday i love you more and more
listen to my heart can you hear it sing
telling me to give you everything
seasons may change winter to spring
but i love you
until the end of time

come what may
come what may
i will love you
until my dying day

suddenly the world seems such a perfect place
suddenly it moves with such a perfect grace
suddenly my life doesn't seem such a waste
it all revolves around you
and there's no mountain too high
no river too wide
sing out this song and i'll be there by your side
storm clouds may gather
and stars may collide
but i love you
until the end of time
come what may

come what may
i will love you
until my dying day

circumstance

2006-05-16T05:34:00.000-07:00

Circumstanse circumstance circumstance...
A 19 year old works her ass of all year to maybe make the honor list in design this year, worked so hard towards her goal of becoming great, working so hard after she let herself down a year before, failing to work and just plane failing.
And the BOOOOOOM...
Hypotietis A kicks in
Bed confined waiting for the sun to rise, not to get better, screw illness, just to figure out what is to become of her project and her hard year of hard work.
I know I have so many people on my side, even the professor of the dreaded subject...
And I know everything will be fine, in my head, logically, even in my heart...
Still seems fuckin' unfair though
peace out
sighnin' off...

emily rose

2006-05-08T15:14:00.000-07:00

Sitting in a dark theater, watching a young girl on the sreen suffereing,
her screams, if that is what you can call them, are so real, so deep.
A horror movie you might say?!?
I was terrified going in, terrified sitting there, terrified watching a rigid body frozen in a freakish position, screaming, wailing at a loved one, terrified of that pain...
I walkeout relieved and somewhat on the road to some inner peace.
Watch this movie, but be careful to look past the hollywood effects and the horrible sights...
be careful to get the idea,
grasp it by a thread and follow it to what might be the road to your peace and salvation...'
seek salvation...
I know am...

2006-04-30T14:07:00.000-07:00

I will always try to understand
....always be there to hold your hand
I will live forever to put a smile on your face
....everywhere you go...every place
I'll pray to God for your heart to shine
...to make you whole and keep you mine
I love you always and forever
I promise you...
I will kiss your spirit, heal your soul
.......touch your feelings and make you whole
.......I will ease your pain and take you higher
I will, I will, I always will

I won't go
I won't sleep
I can't breathe
Until you're resting here with me
I won't leave
I can't hide
I cannot be
Until you're resting here with me

2006-04-29T10:10:00.000-07:00

I'm dead
your gone and I'm dead
don't let me die
come back come back come back
7abibi who's taken your spirit
who's done this to you
I'll kill whoever broke my baby
oh God
why are you doing this to me
why are you doing this to us
we finally found our true purpose and now you've fucked us
dear God
take me away
take my life
you already did
you killed me
7abibi
don't do this
don't do this
have mercy on me and hold me
oh God
I can't live without you
I can't I can't
just let me die in the only way i'm still alive, physically
my soul is dead
my spirit is gone
my heart has stopped
my brain has shut down
i can't hear
i can't taste
i can't feel
i can't smell
i can't see
i can't be
i'm gone

2006-04-26T14:45:00.000-07:00

Unforgiven...forsaken...rusted and weathered...sacrifices...my sacrifice...I have lost the will to live, simply nothing more to give...
By the way...
Who writes lyrics for system of a down?!?
"I cry when angels deserve to die"?
What an idiot!!!"I die when angels cry"
That's more like it...
Angelic tears I saw today of pure love and passion...
Is it ever fair for an angel to cry?
If I could promise you this, I would...
Never will you cry again...except if you want to water a bamboo plant that finally has grown a flower with your sweet happy tears.
But I can't, cause this world is the way it is...and the people who are in love the most have to sacrifice that perfection for a small someone who needs better odds...odds...screw odds...
I can promise you this though...
If you ever have to cry...I promise that I'll always be here to catch every tear on my knees and hold you tight to comfort...with arms wide...wide open...
I love you and I always will...
I'll never be with anyone else...
I found perfecton with you...
Never to be felt in any other arms...never to be tasted in anyone else's tears...
Just hold me now....OK?Let's make that enough for now...
I love you...

2006-04-24T15:17:00.000-07:00

I'm so alive and so in love...
I'm so passionate and more...
You have made me a better person than I eve dreamt of becoming...
So much more complete...
So much more willing to gather all I have in me to fight one last battle and win a war...
Notjust for you, me or us...
but for every every neglected love story or painful ending...for every "ever was love"
for every tear cried because it "just couldn't happen"
For every heart ache and eery heart break...
We are love...
We harbor in our hearts the true definition of love
We protect the most divine feeling of all...
It fills us and devours us...
It gently whispers in our ears before we fall asleep
"sleep safley, dream sweet dreams, I'll be here to kiss your sweet eyes in the morning"
It's what makes us feel that a mere few days is too far away, too distant to be convinced that it'll be over in a flash and we'll hold each other again..
Love knows no time and longing knows no patience
"sleep safley darling dream sweet dreams, fear not, for you know I will be at your side to kiss your sweet eyes in the morning, and take a sip of honey from your lips"
I love you...

perfecton

2006-04-10T05:40:00.000-07:00

finding yourself in a perfect union is such a blessing...
to wake up every morning and look inside your heart, and find your other half tucked in safe and sound gives you such a sensation...
I am no longer in the stage of screaming and jumping at the idea of maybe finding someone...
I now scream and jump because of the feeling of two heartsbeating and melting into one forces me to...
I scream and jump at the thought of seeing your smile of pure joy, just because you saw me walking towards you...
that moment when we first see each other, we stand in awe for a split second seperately thinking, "where have you been all my life?"
then we remember that we've always been together, back and back and back...
this time the sensual sensation we give each other took over us before physical knowledge...
andnthen there's that smile again,because I'm finally in your arms...
I promise I will always make you smile...lips, eyes, mind, spirit and soul...

i don't know

2006-04-07T09:23:00.000-07:00

i honestly don't know why i'm here, but i am
here i am
i just found out yesterday that the sometimes weirdness can create the worst kind of fear, undefined....
imagine me, laying in bed, thinking about the not so far fututre, unless less than 6 months is far.
about if i'm ever forced into anything, i'd have to become financially independent.
iu almost stopped breathing.
i mean come on, i'm not even a graduate yet, i'd have to pay rent, bills, house thingies, and me thingies....ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
but than as usual, my lovely 3abibi brought me back to earth.
seriously, the year's not over yet...
i love you khabibi

2006-03-31T01:00:00.000-08:00

Once again,i was exhausted to the core and i couldn't seem to feel better.
But there you were, ready to press me on...
to take me on a date to flirt with total madness, and give me the rose of pure serinity...
as always thank you so much...
i truly don't know what i'd do without you...

...

2006-03-30T15:00:00.000-08:00

now i lay me down to sleep
i pray the lord my soul to keep
and if i die before i wake
pray the lord my soul to take

2006-03-22T10:38:00.000-08:00

I'm so hungry, and I don't have the guts to eat...
I feel terrible...
I crave and reject food at the same time...
I'm so hungry yet so sick to my stomach because of food...
screw it...

one of those days

2006-03-16T05:14:00.000-08:00

It's just one of those days when nothing seems OK
and nothing feels right
and no sweet voices have tickled my ears yet
and no showers of kisses were waiting for me when I get out of the bathroom
and no sweet smiles to kiss
and wonderful words to hear, no wonderful words to say
and no heart beats to syncronize with
and no silky souls to melt with
where are you today?
no words for me?
I miss you too much...

2006-03-10T13:13:00.001-08:00

Why is it that to feel better, we have to hit rock bottom?!?
Sometimes I go lower and venture to hell.
I manage to get back some how, recently because of you

you take me higher

to a place where blind men see

2006-03-10T13:13:00.000-08:00

Why is it that to feel better, we have to hit rock bottom?!?
Sometimes I go lower and venture to hell.
I manage to get back some how, recently because of you

you take me higher

to a place where blind men see

2006-03-09T05:17:00.000-08:00

I woke up today soaking in a pool bad dreams and screams
You're on a ledge, I 'm waiting for you at the bottom
You scream, I'm already dead
You cry, tears fall on my lifeless lips, I'm gone and in-toxicated
You try and carve your wrist, I seep out of your veins
Be my blade, and let me die
Or, see our light and fly
I love you

symapthy

2006-03-03T05:03:00.000-08:00

I have just one thing to say about this girl...

"the tears flowed from her heart to my eyes"

syncronize

2006-03-03T04:50:00.000-08:00

I had one of the most beautiful experiences last night...
I syncronized my heart beats with my soul-mate...
It was amazing...
His heart was racing and my heart was stopping...
He slowed down and I sped up until they were beating in perfect harmony...
everything about our souls together is perfect...
I don't know what I'd do without you...

2006-02-24T11:44:00.000-08:00

I need to write, just don't know what...
'm going to write about a terrible feeling I went through
(why is it we ways document the bad feelings?)
anyways...
I was laying in my bed, after something that happened between us,
a fight, a dis-agreemant, a spat, I don't know what it was exactly,
but there I was, feelng "not there", and even worse "not with you".
It was the worst feeling i the world.
I know writing this is pointless, since I'm home again, just thought I should.

Want some good feelings???
I feel so amazing now...
the world is perfect...
I have you...
balance

I think...I feel...

2006-02-01T12:04:00.000-08:00

I know I've been a pain the ass lately...
but I haven't been feeling too good...
I think I need help...
I think I'm sick...
I think I need medication...

I feel sad...
I feel lonely and alone...even though I know I'm not...
I feel confused...
I feel angry...at absolutely nothing...
I feel enraged at the un-fair situations I always get compramised in...
I feel everything and absolutely nothing...
I feel restless...no one spot is big enough to cotain me...
I feel trapped...
I feel lost...
I feel like I'm drowning...
I feel like I'm slipping away

The only good thing I'm feeling throughout this mess of emotions...is safe...
safe because I have you to wrap me in your arms and shower me with kisses...
safe because I know that you're there for me...

by the way...
here's another song I like...
(addicted: kelly clarckson)

It's like you're a drug
It's like you're a demon I can't face down
It's like I'm stuck
It's like I'm running from you all the time
And I know I let you have all the power
It's like the only company I seek is misery all around
It's like you're a leech
Sucking the life from me
It's like I can't breathe
Without you inside of me
And I know I let you have all the power
And I realize I'm never gonna quit you over time

It's like I can't breathe
It's like I can't see anything
Nothing but you
I'm addicted to you
It's like I can't think
Without you interrupting me
In my thoughts
In my dreams
You've taken over me
It's like I'm not me
It's like I'm not me

It's like I'm lost
It's like I'm giving up slowly
It's like you're a ghost that's haunting me
Leave me alone
And I know these voices in my head
Are mine alone
And I know I'll never change my ways
If I don't give you up now

It's like I can't breathe
It's like I can't see anything
Nothing but youI'm addicted to you
It's like I can't think
Without you interrupting meIn my thoughts
In my dreamsYou've taken over me
It's like I'm not me
It's like I'm not me

I'm hooked on you
I need a fixI can't take it
Just one more hit
I promise I can deal with it
I'll handle it, quit it
Just one more time
Then that's it
Just a little bit more to get me through this

everything burns

2006-01-30T05:44:00.000-08:00

everything burns...
a great song by anastasia and ben moody,fantastic four...
I have no idea why i fell in love with this song...
It has absolutley nothing to do with my life....
certain things do burn though...
Like the fact that my best friend is half way around the world and I haven't seen her in seven years...
we've done an amazing job of keeping in touch though...it's the age of cyber-space...we no longer have an excuse to not keep in touch...I'm happy about that....
still burns though...

The fact that people are hypocrites whether they want to admit or not...
Anyone who judges someone by color race or religion is definetley sent from hell and probably going back there...
at least i'm not a hypocrite...or at least I think I'm not...
still burns though...

the fact that so much bas stuff has happened to me in the past...
yeah yeah...sure I got over it all...
and I'm pretty sure I don't have any emotianal scars...
who am I kidding...I'm emotionaly damaged...
let me count...how many incidents?
1...2...3...4...
now that burns

She sits in her corner

Singing herself to sleep

Wrapped in all of the promisesThat no one seems to keep

She no longer cries to herself

No tears left to wash away

Just diaries of empty pagesFeelings gone a stray

But she will sing

Til everything burns

While everyone screams

Burning their lies

Burning my dreams

All of this hateAnd all of this pain

I'll burn it all down

As my anger reigns

Til everything burns

Walking through life unnoticed

Knowing that no one cares

Too consumed in their masquerade

No one sees her there

And still she sings

Til everything burns

While everyone screams

Burning their lies

Burning my dreams

All of this hate

And all of this pain

I'll burn it all down

As my anger reigns

2006-01-28T12:44:00.000-08:00

I'm sitting in my room...
there's a mirror in front of me...on my desk...with white snowey powder on it...
I take a neatly cut line on my finger...put it to my finger...and sniff...
oh, it feels so good to inhale you...

Once again...I'm sitting on my bed...
I have a syringe in one hand...filled with beautiful liquid...
my other arm is tied tightly...
I bring the sweet needle to my arm...slowly inserting the point in my blue blue vein...
The liquid burns as it seeps into my blood...
how I rejoice in the pain...the burn...
I adore injecting my self with you...

why?

2006-01-27T08:11:00.000-08:00

why is there war?
why is there hunger?
why is there poverty?
why is ther global warming?
why are there hurricanes tornados and storms?
why do bad people die in pain and good people suffer in death?
why do people lose people they love?
why are there demons walking the earth?
why do people have to fight for their love?
why is there nothing right with the world?
why is everything imperfect?
same answer to all these questions
because i'm not in you arms...

angel eyes

2006-01-26T05:11:00.000-08:00

99.9% of people would see drops of water falling from the sky and say "it's raining".
No one takes the time to catch a single drop on their tounge...
Well, today I did...
And guess what...it isn't water...
...It's tears...
The angels are crying because we're miles apart...

miss u soooo much

purple rain

2006-01-25T14:22:00.000-08:00

Heya
I'm new at this blog thingy, I'm used to paper and notebooks.
Does anyone out there LOVE the rain???
I do...
Purple rain lead my soul-mate to me... or lead me to my soul-mate I don't know.
The important thing is, my life has value right now.
I have light in my life because of you...
I am truely addicted to life now...
"you became my favorite drug"
This is one addiction I don't want to get rid of...
I want you to keep flowing in my blood...
I want to inject myself with you everyday...
I need to get high every moment of the day...

miss you so much
mwah mwah mwah mwah